Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
