I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
