Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
