I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
