After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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