Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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