It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
