Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
