Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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