just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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