You're my little dorito
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We're too hungover to prance.