No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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