Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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