splinters make it hard to masturbate
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
