Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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