If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
