Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
