So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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