Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
