That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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