Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
