I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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