We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
