Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Drunk is not a location!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
