Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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