...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
