well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
