i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
