She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
