The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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