woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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