why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
