woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
