when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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