i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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