since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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