the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
