Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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