the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
