I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
