Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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