What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
