so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
