so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
