She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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