Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
