Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
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(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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