I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
