You made me cry and you don't even care
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
