I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
