dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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