I have demons in me.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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