Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
