Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
