my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
