dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
