I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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